I feel rejected, unattractive,
I feel not good enough.
I feel hurt, not deserving,
wrong and wretched and tired to pretend
that everything’s fine, that I am not all these things.
That it is okay that nobody wants
more than just be friends!
And I feel like you have wronged me.
You and many others before.
Like me desiring you offends
your desire to be just friends.
I feel the need for intimacy.
Like I have a picture in my head
laying with you in my bed.
Telling you things I never had said.
And then I feel sad.
All the emotions driving me mad.
Wanting back the things I once had
wanting them really really bad.
– And so, I feel jealous
of you and another friend.
Of you who get to experience
Things because you’re confident.
Because you trust people.
And you just go for it.
Meanwhile, I feel scared
of people and to be your friend.
Because, in the end,
I am afraid of rejection.
So I feel lonely, frustrated,
I feel like nobody understands.
Like I’m in a bubble kicking and screaming
and asking: WHY?! – oh WHY?! – oh WHY?!
– And seeing people just walk by.
But I feel guilty
for letting you know.
Because it feels like I am blaming you –
but I don’t.
Because blaming you would be unfair,
because blaming you does not repair
the wounds that always have been there.
And I feel humiliation
For desiring things you do not share
For thinking, I deserve your touch
and being misled instead.
Though I also feel horny.
Like kissing would burn the scorn,
and heal my wounds from battles gone.
Because having sex means validity.